Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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