So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
