Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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