Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
