Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
