fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
