using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
