Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
