Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
