The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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