you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
