i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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