Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
