Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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