my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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