I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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