Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
