I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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