I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
