no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize