you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
