Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
