My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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