i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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