my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
