my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Never underestimate the power of titties
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
