I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize