I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
