Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
