paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
