1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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