i just made my gag reflex go away.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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