So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
