He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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