I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
