My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
