I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
