Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
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