Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize