And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize