Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I have feelings that need drinking.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Randomize
