I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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