I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
