If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
