I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
