Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
