where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize