I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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