So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
