Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
