Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize