My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
