I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
