apparently the secret to your success is patron
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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