I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize