Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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