Pregnant stripper...not hot.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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