The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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