Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize