I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
