I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
