The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
