Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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