Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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