oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
