I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
